Viva la Vida

As I was reading some recent posts (not my own mind you) I realized that my life is about to start. I mean my real life; the life I'm going to be stuck in for...well for the rest of my life. Right now is my chance to become who I want to be. It's finally time for me to figure out who I really am. I have a feeling this summer is going to bring about some pretty big changes in my life. For one thing, I realized a few months ago that up until then I had been piggybacking on my parents testimony of the church and gospel. I never thought I would ever doubt anything I "knew" to be true. Much to my utter surprise, back in about January I woke up one day and realized I had almost completely lost my testimony of everything I once knew. I think it came about after I broke up with Victoria. My life sort of fell apart after that, everything that had been my life for the past year and a half was suddenly gone. I was completely devastated. Then she went out and got herself a new boyfriend way faster than I thought possible. I still remember sitting in my car at Davis park when Jocelyn broke the news to me that Victoria and Isaac had made out at least once already. It was the most stunning blow to my heart that I'd ever experienced. I could hardly breathe. I was falling. It felt like hours as I sat there in stunned silence trying to catch hold of something, anything, to stop the pain. What seemed like hours to me was, in reality, only a few seconds. That was just one of the many blows I received in the months to come. One thing after another, most of which were in some way connected to Victoria, led me to begin doubting everything I once believed. Nothing seemed solid anymore. I had cut myself off from all my previous friendships for so long I felt I had no one to fall back on. I didn't know anyone. All the people I knew were gone and in their places were these faces and personalities I couldn't relate to anymore. It took me a long time to get the the point where I felt accepted back into "the group." Once there however, I made little progress in regaining anything I had lost. In fact, it got to the point where I started to slide back down that hill into complete darkness. I didn't care about anything anymore. I wanted to have the desire to find out if the church was true, if I really did believe everything I once did but it just wasn't there. I can't describe what that is like. Wanting to want something but not knowing how to get there. As this continued, my interest in school diminished to the point where I didn't care if I passed. I didn't do any homework, I was completely disconnected from everything. After a few weeks of this I began to pull out of it ever so slightly so I went in to Lake to see if I could make up any of the missed work. As I talked to her I ended up venting to her. Much to my embarrassment I broke down. I never would have thought she would be someone I could go talk to about things that I couldn't even talk to my friends about. After that my life started the slow uphill climb to being happy again. As the days turned into weeks I began anew.
Since then I have had quite a few setbacks and the majority of those have been connected in some way to Victoria. I can't stress enough how much I would advise against a serious relationship in high school. I finally understand why the church has advised so strongly against it. I always thought it was to save kids from going to far physically. I realize now that possibly even more importantly than that it is to keep us from going to far emotionally. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard it has been to get over Victoria. It's been eight months and I'm still not over her all the way. As much as I loved the year and a half I had with her I'm not sure it was worth all the pain I've gone through as a result of it. During the time I was with her she was the center of my life. The church and other friendships got pushed to the back of my mind. I am so glad I broke up with her when I did. Had I waited until my mission.....I don't like to think of what that would have done to me when I got my Dear John. It would have destroyed me as a missionary. Not to mention there is a good chance that my testimony would have slipped ever further. I'm still very much in the process of figuring everything out where the church in concerned. Deep down I have a gut feeling that it's true but every time I tell myself that it is a whole barrage of doubts and questions begin to swirl around in my head and I begin to question myself again. It's so confusing and more than a little bit scary. What if I can't get everything pulled together by the time I have to put in my papers. I hate doubting everything. I wish I could go back and have my old testimony, just know that everything I've been taught is true. I don't know why I doubt it. It makes so much sense. I guess this is one of my tests in life.

On a very different thought train....

For the past few months I've been getting really sick of music. I know it's verging on blasphemy to say such a thing but it's true. I was so sick of everything I heard. Nothing was able to really keep my attention anymore. I got so sick of everything I had and I was scared to listen to anything new because I was scared of being disappointed. I'd heard that Coldplay, one of my favorite bands, had come out with a new song and it wasn't until today that I finally got around to listening to it. After listening to only 30 seconds of it on iTunes I hit the "buy now" button and I love it. My faith in music has been restored. I can't wait for the release of the rest of the album. I'm for sure going to actually go out and buy it which will make it the first album I've ever gone out to buy!