Life Hurts

Well, it's been a few years since my last post and I must say a lot has changed in my life. When I left for my mission I was a pretty naive kid with no real sense of purpose in life. I knew I wanted to serve a mission but I didn't have a real good reason to do so. Even though I didn't know what to expect from my mission, it wasn't what I got. It was by far the hardest and most stressful experience of my life. I was exhausted 24/7 and I had an almost constant feeling of inadequacy. It was a real vicious cycle. The more tired I was the more discouraged I got. This discouragement led to more stress and therefore more fatigue.

That being said, I wouldn't trade the experiences I had on my mission for anything. I the valuable truth that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. I had the head knowledge but my heart didn't believe this for much my my mission. I remember feeling so down and out because I just "knew" that I wasn't living up to my full potential and therefore my Heavenly Father must be so disappointed in me. I would then feel a peace and a love wash over me in a way that said "You're doing okay. I love you and want you to be happy." It was these moments that showed me that my Heavenly Father wont give up on me and all He expects me to do is try my hardest even if it means failure in the eyes of the world.

Since being home I have had some amazing highs and some horrible lows. I've struggled with some depression and anxiety which has been the source of many of the low spots. My mission has given me the tools to fight off these low times and just keep pushing forward. It's helpful to know and realize that life isn't always going to be easy and happy. That's just not the program. We're here on this earth to work, struggle, and fight our way through difficulties and challenges. Once we can really accept this, these hard times become a little more manageable.

I know that Autumn is finally here. The leaves are changing, the temperature is dropping, and my seasonal depression is trying to get a foothold in my life. Depression is so interesting. It just seems to suck the color and happiness right out of life. It's nearly impossible to describe the feelings to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves. It's like being stuck in a bad dream with no way out. Colors loose their vibrance, relationships take an unhappy twist. It seems that nothing will ever feel good again. It is in these times that I am so grateful for a loving Savior who has felt these same things, who knows exactly how I feel, who knows how to help me. That help doesn't always come as quickly as I would want, in fact it rarely does. Though it does come and it's always when I need it most. It seems to come right as I'm about to give up. He is so patient as I try to understand why I have to deal with the things I do and as I am so impatient with seemingly unanswered prayers.

Life hurts. There is no escaping that fact. However, that hurt does not have to define my life. I don't have have to focus so much on the hurt that it becomes my life. I am in charge. As I have realized this I have become a much happier person. Life is for living, not sorrowing.

What a day!!

It all started off with an amazing breakfast burrito my mom made for me. Follow this I headed up to work. It was just starting to snow as I pulled in to Larkin Sunset Lawn. I knew we had more to do than usual but I had no idea I'd be working til almost six in the evening. I never work that late! Anyway, Ben pulled up in a vault truck soon after me and we both jumped in "the bug" and headed up onto Sunrise to find the location for the burial. Once there we found where it was we had to find the marker and get the exact measurements of where we were to dig. With the plot outlined in bright orange string and armed with shovels we began to cut back the grass. It's odd to have it snowing quite hard and yet be digging in very hard very dry dirt....Anyway, after the grass was all laid out next to the plot it was off to pick up the back-hoe and dump truck. By this point the snow was really coming down. As I looked back I could see two very different sets of tire tracks through the light layer of snow on the grass. After lining up the dump truck I hoped out to watch, as usual. Bucket after bucket of dirt was transferred from the deepening hole to the ever growing pile in the truck. As we approached the regular depth we both were a bit confused because we should have scraped the top of the vault that was already there by now. (There was a baby buried there last year and the family wanted the baby's vault to be pulled out and then placed on top of the one for today.) We just kept going and we quickly found the vault at double depth. After we finished digging we headed down to Carls for a nice lunch break. By this point there was enough snow on the ground that the grass was no longer visible and it was starting to stick in the parking lot. After lunch we had to pull the blades off the big riding mower and put on the snow blower. The service had started inside at this point so we were feeling a little rushed. Ben took off in the truck and started plowing the parking lot while I jumped on the mower/snow-blower and cleared a path from the service road all the way up to the graveside. It's a little odd snow blowing on the grass...but I guess its just like it was weird the first few times I drove the truck on the grass. It's just something that takes getting used to. Right after all that was done we had to cruise and get everything ready at the gaveside. First we had to lay down the planks and the U bars to set the vault on. Second I got Ben lined up so we could set the vault. Third came the greens around the vault. Fourth was setting up the tent and chairs. All the while the snow kept coming down harder and harder and was really building up on the ground. Once we were all done Ben had to go plow the parking lot again and I had to re-do the path up the to graveside. Before I knew it the service was over and we were back up there to break everything down which went much faster. After lowering both vaults into the hole we began the backfilling. The load of dirt in the truck didn't fill it all the way so Ben set me to work tamping it while he went to get another bucket of dirt in the back-hoe. He got back and found me really struggling with the tamper cause the dirt was a foot or two below the surface at this point and that made things very difficult cause the tamper isn't much taller than that. Just and awkward angle. By this point it was starting to get dark and really cold so he took over for me cause we wanted to get home. So we filled it up the rest of the way, threw down the grass and tamped it a final time. I'm thinking that tomorrow we'll have to go back up and kinda clean up/fix it.
I got home and found that there was about 3 inches of snow that I had to hand shovel. It really wasn't to bad though. Right after that I came in to my house for the first time and almost immediately sat down to dinner. Then it was down for a quick shower before heading over to Mark and Chelsae's house. I'd been looking forward to and dreading this ever since I found out I was to give Mark a blessing. This was my very first blessing I'd ever given and I was terrified. After sitting for a few agonizing minutes and catching up a bit Mark got up to grab a chair. I was terrified as I watched him sit down in that chair. I didn't feel ready. As I put my hands on his head and started the most amazing thing happened. There was this sense of calm and peace that came over me. I'd always heard about similar things but I didn't know if it would happen for me but it did. It was a very short rather jumbled blessing but I did it. It feels so good now that it's over and it's very reassuring to know that I can do it!
After the blessing we had a bowl of ice cream with a brownie and then we headed home. Once there my dad had me consecrate some oil. So I will go to bed having had a very full and eventful day! It feels so good to have gotten some really good things done.
Well I'm off, sorry this whole thing was so rushed, I'm just very tired and need to sleep!

I'm done!

So I'm finally done with my mission papers! I haven't turned them in yet cause I don't have a mission picture but I'm done with all the doctors appointments and filling out all the tedious questions and the such. It feel so good and yet it's a little scary to think that there is a possibility that I could be gone before Christmas. I know that it's INCREDIBLY unlikely but it's possible. At times I can't wait for the day to finally come, I'm so excited and ready to go share what I know to be true with everyone I meet. Then I'll start thinking about everything I'll have to leave behind for two years. Home, family, friends, music, time to myself, free time to just laze around, movies, internet, my home ward, dating (not that I really date a whole lot...but still), the birth of my first nephew, spending hours reading a book (other than the BoM), my mom's amazing home cooked meals, my bed, my room. But then I think about what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to get to spend the next two years serving the Lord with everything I have. I'm going to be close to him and more in tune with the spirit than any other time in my life. That alone makes it all seem worth it. Though I still can't help being terrified. Part of it is I don't know where I'm going yet and there's a certain stress that comes with that. I don't know. I'm just starting to get a little restless. I guess it's just hard to grasp that my mission is really almost here.
So the reason I havn't been updating my blog a whole lot is that nothing really happens in my life. I've just been getting all my doctors appointments finished up. I got my hair cut today so I can now to get my picture taken so I can submit my papers. I had an interview with my Bishop last night and so now I just need the one with my Stake President. I got a whole bunch of new music from Kate wich was so awesome and I got the new Taylor Swift cd which is amazing by the way. Today I also droped by Jocelyn's house and gave her a CD and she in turn gave me one and as I'm sitting here listening to it I'm loving it! I'm about to head off to see Thourghly Modern Milly down at East. I saw it on Saturda night and loved it so I'm making my parents come with me again tonight for FHE. Well I'm off to grab a bite to eat before the play!

Life on my own

Well it's coming up on two months since my last post. I must say however, that it feels much longer than that. I don't really know why I haven't written in so long. I've had plenty of time on my hands but I just never made it to my blog to update and write a new post. Anyway, I'm writing now so no use thinking about the past.
It was such a strange feeling when August came and went and my life didn't change....or so I though. As most of my friends headed off to start college I felt like I was frozen in the past or something. For the first time in thirteen years I wasn't going to school. I just kept working just like I had been all summer. As those who were starting college did their best to adjust to this new life style I was left in the dust. They were very busy and a little stressed out, all understandably so. However, as the weeks passed nothing seemed to change. I still wasn't getting many texts or phone calls to hang out and when I did all anyone talked about was college life. It was okay for the first little while but it got very old very fast. I felt like I just wasn't cool enough to hang out with the new college freshmen. I tried for a while but I got sick of being blown off and I really didn't want to hear about what was going on with the fraternities or sororities.
Not a whole lot has changed. I'm still just working away up at the cemetery and I still have no social life. I feel sort of like I don't have any friends anymore. I feel like I never see anyone anymore. Looking at the bright side of this whole situation, I have had a chance to spend some more time with my family. That has been really fun so I guess not everything is all doom and gloom. I do however, want to see my friends again some day. I just hope they can fit me into their busy schedules.
As for what I'm doing right now, I'm just sitting down in Anne's room in Ceder City getting ready to go to sleep. My parents are in Europe til next Monday. They've been gone for a full week already and I haven't had a single crazy and wild party. It's so sad......no it really isn't. It is sad though, that in that week I haven't seen anyone. I've been incredibly isolated, or at least that's what it feels like. Well I need to get off cause my back is killing me from sitting here and I'm ready for bed!
p.s. I hope you're happy Brady. You inspired this post due to you're last comment.

California

On Friday the eighth of August I left on my first road trip with a group of friends. Alec, Nick, Tyler, Suzanne, and myself headed off towards Flagstaff Arizona where we would part ways with Suzanne. We passed the time by listening to a large variety of music and discussing a number of different topics. It proved quite effective in keeping me distracted enough to pass the time relatively quickly. As we got closer to Gail's cabin (Suzanne's destination) the weather began to take a turn for the worse. We ran into more and more rain and finally lightning and a downpour. Luckily for me, I love this kind of weather so all it did was improve my spirits. Once at Gail's we had to make the choice of staying the night there and then heading off first thing in the morning or leaving asap so as to try and make it to California by around one or two in the morning. Spending the night ended up winning and this being the case we had some time to kill. So we headed of, in the rain, to this amazing little area with a natural water slide and some cliff jumping. The water was amazingly warm due to the recent rainfall and this made my experience much more enjoyable because I HATE cold water. So my first order of business there was to check out this water slide. The river was forced into a narrow channel that wasn't too deep but still coated in this very very slippery moss. So you just sad down and away you went. This proved to be one of the highlights of the trip. I just loved it. As for the cliff jumping I didn't participate but Nick, Alec, and Gail made the jump. When we got back we played games and ate an amazing dinner. I headed to bed a littler earlier than everyone else cause I had to drive the next morning. So on Saturday morning we headed out at about 6:30 and after hours of driving we arrived at Alec's place at about 2:00. We then proceeded to the beach which was so fun! I just love the beach. Sunday morning Tyler, Nick, and myself found a YSA ward to go to and then came back. The only other thing worth mentioning that happened on sunday was we went out on this awesome little boat. It was more than a little scary because the waves wee quite large and the boat quite small. But all in all it was incredibly fun. Monday morning Max arrived and we headed to to beach. I really wasn't thinking so well cause I applied sunscreen once and assumed it would work all day, which it didn't. I ended up getting really burned. That being so I've spend the lest two days just sitting around hoping my burn will stop hurting and luckily it has...to an extent. I'm still very red and my shoulders hurt quite a bit but I'm finally to the point where I can move around without to much pain. Today we went to breakfast and saw an awesome BMW but other than that I think it's going to be a pretty layed back day. Me, Nick, and Max are staying off the beach cause Nick and I have burns and Max has a hurt ankle. I'm off though, I think we're going to play some Risk!

Exhaustion

I am so exhausted. I haven't slept to well the past few nights and its taken its toll on my energy. When we got up to our campsite I was pretty tired. Luckily I didn't have to do a whole lot and that being so I was able to save up a little bit of energy. When I went to bed I couldn't fall asleep. I kept flipping from one side to the other, then on to my back. Nothing I did stayed comfortable for long. I don't know how or when, but I finally ended up falling asleep only to wake up a few more times during the night. Not that it's weird for that to happen. In fact it's really strange if I don't wake up at least three times each night. I don't remember ever sleeping all the way through the night. But that's just my life. I'm pretty used to it. Anyway, yesterday proved to be a pretty relaxed day as well. I just read/finished my book and played two games of Risk with Mark, Chelsea, John, and Barb. It was so much fun! I haven't ever really been one to actively try and get people to play that game but yesterday....things changed. This probably had to do with the fact that I won the first game. Anyway, once it came time to get a fire going Barb and I started to set up the wood. I wanted to do it one way and Barb another but she kindly let me try it and I failed quite miserably so we went to her way which worked out very well. While doing this Mark was starting out on what would become an hour (or there abouts) quest to split a single log. John and I set out to find more firewood and ended up cutting the end off of a fallen tree in our campsite. All of this occupied our time till dinner. Also in the midst David, Jeff, and Breea showed up. Following dinner we all sat around the fire telling riddles. So this morning when I woke up I was planning on having a very light day cause I had over exerted myself yesterday with chopping wood and I need to save my strength to get better. Anyway, we ate breakfast and broke down camp following which we headed of to Mirror Lake. I ended up walking all the way around and once again using more energy than I wanted. Then for lunch we stopped at Provo Falls and I hiked around a little for some pictures. The final thing I did today that I wish I wouldn't have was I got an entire shake to myself. Sugar+dairy=no good for my cold. The whole day I've had pressure in my ears. The kind that doesn't go away because of my stupid cold. I hate it so much. One of my ears popped a little but the other one wont and its driving me crazy. So in short I'm pretty physically worn out.
On the other side, I'm also very emotionally drained. I've had a really short temper all day probably because of how tired I am. The whole day I've been looking forward to coming home, getting clean, and finally hanging out with Rosie and hopefully talking to her a little. Once I got reception I turned on my phone and found I had a few texts and missed calls. This brightened my darkening mood a little, just know that I was missed at least a little. I texted Rosie to see if she was still on for coming home tonight and maybe hanging out and she said yes. This also brightened my spirits a little to have this confirmed. She said she wouldn't be home till about six and I knew that my parents and Anne wanted to go see Wall-E so I pushed for and earlier showing so I would be out by sixish. When it was over I was getting a little antsy to get home but they wanted dinner so I agreed thinking we would just go pick something up but no, we had to go in and sit down. I don't know why it bothered me so bad but it did. I was so frustrated. Then as I was sitting there I got a text from Rosie saying that she'd changed her mind and was staying up in Park City. Once again I'd banked on hanging out with her and once again it fell through. As the night wore on I found out that she was actually here getting some stuff and had gone up to dodgeball for a while after which she was at Kenzies house for a good thirty minutes. Not once did she say that she might want to see me or anything. I was going to ask if I could come over and say hi but decided against it. I kept putting on a happy face but moved on...well sort of. I headed off to Anthony's house and things just got worse. Shippy and Ashely showed up and for some reason the longer I sat there and listened to them talk the more frustrated and irritable I got. Finally I just left and went up to dodgeball to see if I could get my mind of anything. It didn't work at all. I kept my semi-happy face on but inside I was dying. I was tired, mad, hurt, and completely confused. Once it got to be to much I left. On the way home I was left to thinking. It hurts to much to get turned away again and again. I am just to emotionally worn out right now. I realize that the things that keep hurting me really shouldn't, but they do. This whole time that I've liked Rosie she's been telling me that she doesn't want our friendship to get ruined. I keep telling her that nothing like that is going to happen and yet...it is and it's all my fault. I've been placing what I want in front of out friendship and by doing this I've been getting hurt and that in turn has started to damage our friendship. I've come to the realization/decision that I'm going to just step back and try to go back to just friends.
Nothing is ever easy.

I hate being sick!!!

Well I got pretty sick almost over night two nights ago. I've had a slight cold for a while not but nothing to bad. Two nights ago as I lay in my bed I started to feel pretty terrible. I couldn't sleep and I was stiff and sore everywhere not to mention I could barely breathe. So I woke up and realized I told Ben that I would come in to work for a part day. I texted him to see if I could just come in to help him dig a hole and then go home and luckily he said that'd be fine. So I went in and we remembered that the dump truck was still down at Ford. So we headed down there to pick it up and when we got it it started to die so we had to take it back. Following this we had to go out to Sandy to The Gardens to get one of their trucks. It took forever. By the time we got back the Lawn it was way later than I had planned on staying and we hadn't even started digging yet. The one good thing was that the hole wasn't too hard to dig so we got it done pretty quickly. Even still, I hadn't eaten anything all morning and I felt like crap still and it was blasted hot. Anyway, when I got home I took a nice long shower and my mom made me french toast.
After breakfast I headed out with Anne to do some shopping for our family camping trip. I was really excited to have a chance to talk to her. When we got into the car she asked if she could make a phone call real fast. I didn't think to much of it and so I said yes. Little did I know that this one phone call would take the WHOLE time. She was on her phone the whole way there, the whole time we were in the store, and the whole ride home. I was in a pretty bad mood again when we got back home. Luckily I had getting ready for the cabin to distract me a little. The whole ride up I kept pretty much to my self with my headphones in and music up pretty loud so I didn't have to listen to everyone else. Once up there we realized we'd forgotten the keys so we had to wait for John and Barb to come up with them. It was really pretty fun being outside up in the canyon though. So once they got there we went in and I started reading cause I couldn't help with dinner due to me being sick. So I read and played solitaire for the whole time up there. It wasn't the funnest time I've had at the cabin....I just hate being sick. Along with everything else, I'm getting pretty sick of girls again. Well sort of.....it's more that I'm done trying to make anything happen. I figure that if someone likes me enough to want anything they'll show it. Actions speak so much louder than words. But then again this may just be me being stupid. It's happened many times before not to mention that I've been in a pretty bad mood these past few days.
Anyway, on a lighter note. I'm sorta starting to feel a little better today, at least where my cold is concerned. I'm not quite so achy and I can breathe through my nose which is nice. The one down side is that it's started to move into my chest so I'm starting to get a little bit of a cough. I'm also pretty excited for out camping trip that we leave for today. We're going up to Moosehorn Lake in the Uintas till Saturday. I can't wait! It'll be such a nice break from everything or so I hope.